Writing this is taking time.
Thoughts have swirled around in my mind for days, almost a week.
I'm not even sure I'm ready now.
So, this might get finished later.
I didn't know if this should be in the adoption blog
or this one.
Because it is through adoption that God is speaking,
I placed it hear.
The hard truth is that this journey brings
to the surface a lot of feelings:
Fear. Distrust. Anger. Jealousy. Depression. Rebellion.
& Unspeakable Joy.
God in all His omnipotence knew that humans needed more than just
We needed Words in Pictures.
So, He created marriage.
To show His love for His bride.
His untainted, faithful love.
A love that gave up His life.
Then, we screwed up the word picture.
He created families.
To show how strong love can be IMMEDIATELY
between a parent and a child.
We do OK at times, and at other times, well. . .we screw it up.
Then He redeemed the word picture
And used Adoption.
Taking what was not intended (orphans) and using it
As another way to demonstrate who He is.
A Father who comes RUNNING to us, who longs for us, who will stop at NOTHING to get us "home", in His arms.
Then, "we" enter the picture. And, sometimes we screw it up with our wait in the process.
So, this is the real deal. I want you to know the truth.
Some days, I'm angry at everyone. Some days at God. I ask questions like if you set the lonely in families why is it necessary to drag this thing out??? (and, I know the TRUTH people. Just want you to know what happens on this journey).
Some days, I'm on cloud 9.
Some days, I'm jealous. This is just sinful. PLAIN & Simple. Jealous that our file hasn't moved, jealous that I didn't hear anything, jealous that I'm crying when others are rejoicing.
Some days, I'm ecstatic for my friends in this journey. Leaping for joy! And, other days crying and praying with them.
Some days, I think, "What did we do God to deserve the delay? What are we still needing to learn? Teach us. We are ready. Why aren't we being blessed?"
You know we ask this. Let's be real. We ask this during MANY life circumstances. We ASSUME it about others going through things. We ALLUDE to it when we say that we are so blessed to have___________ (fill in your blank: obedient children, loving parents, a nice car, a big house).
Don't get me wrong, every good and perfect gift does come from God. But because one person keeps their job and one person loses their job doesn't necessarily mean one is blessed by God and one isn't.
So, God is dealing with me on a few things. First, in Acts 12, there is an intersting, yet hard truth. It is why that while I pray earnestly to God in this process that I'm not always confident in how it will turn out. At the beginning of the chapter, James the brother of John was put to death by the sword. Then, IN THE SAME CHAPTER, Peter is arrested with the possibility of death, but Peter is rescued and escaped. Both loved dearly by Jesus. Both doing the stuff. Both assisting in the explosion of Christianity. Both with a radical faith. One dies. One lives. Hard truths. But, a truth that opened my eyes last weekend at Living Proof Live. I'll let the Spirit speak to you about the message.
What matters is how I've stood on the Rock not how many times I've been knocked down. What matters is that His will is accomplished. Not mine. I'm simply to stand on the solid rock. As the three in the fiery furnace (I don't feel like spelling tonight) said--and I paraphrase--We know God can deliver us but even if He doesn't we will NOT deny Him.
Maybe, I'll share the next "lesson" I'm learning on this journey on another day. Once I can bare to admit it. Just know, last night we received great news that the clerk is going to release J's book next week, which means we can get a birth certificate. Pray that there are no errors on it. We will keep you posted. Just know that I had mixed feelings with the "good" news. Not b/c of the news. But b/c of me. Stay tuned for the rest of the story.
If I can write it.