Hard Truths

Writing this is taking time.
Thoughts have swirled around in my mind for days, almost a week.
I'm not even sure I'm ready now.
So, this might get finished later.

I didn't know if this should be in the adoption blog
or this one.
Because it is through adoption that God is speaking,
I placed it hear.

The hard truth is that this journey brings
to the surface a lot of feelings:
Fear. Distrust. Anger. Jealousy. Depression. Rebellion.
& Unspeakable Joy.

God in all His omnipotence knew that humans needed more than just
Words.
We needed Words in Pictures.
So, He created marriage.
To show His love for His bride.
His untainted, faithful love.
A love that gave up His life.
Then, we screwed up the word picture.

He created families.
To show how strong love can be IMMEDIATELY
between a parent and a child.
We do OK at times, and at other times, well. . .we screw it up.

Then He redeemed the word picture
And used Adoption.
Taking what was not intended (orphans) and using it
As another way to demonstrate who He is.
A Father who comes RUNNING to us, who longs for us, who will stop at NOTHING to get us "home", in His arms.

Then, "we" enter the picture. And, sometimes we screw it up with our wait in the process.
So, this is the real deal. I want you to know the truth.

Some days, I'm angry at everyone. Some days at God. I ask questions like if you set the lonely in families why is it necessary to drag this thing out??? (and, I know the TRUTH people. Just want you to know what happens on this journey).

Some days, I'm on cloud 9.
Some days, I'm jealous. This is just sinful. PLAIN & Simple. Jealous that our file hasn't moved, jealous that I didn't hear anything, jealous that I'm crying when others are rejoicing.
Some days, I'm ecstatic for my friends in this journey. Leaping for joy! And, other days crying and praying with them.
Some days, I think, "What did we do God to deserve the delay? What are we still needing to learn? Teach us. We are ready. Why aren't we being blessed?"

You know we ask this. Let's be real. We ask this during MANY life circumstances. We ASSUME it about others going through things. We ALLUDE to it when we say that we are so blessed to have___________ (fill in your blank: obedient children, loving parents, a nice car, a big house).
Don't get me wrong, every good and perfect gift does come from God. But because one person keeps their job and one person loses their job doesn't necessarily mean one is blessed by God and one isn't.

So, God is dealing with me on a few things. First, in Acts 12, there is an intersting, yet hard truth. It is why that while I pray earnestly to God in this process that I'm not always confident in how it will turn out. At the beginning of the chapter, James the brother of John was put to death by the sword. Then, IN THE SAME CHAPTER, Peter is arrested with the possibility of death, but Peter is rescued and escaped. Both loved dearly by Jesus. Both doing the stuff. Both assisting in the explosion of Christianity. Both with a radical faith. One dies. One lives. Hard truths. But, a truth that opened my eyes last weekend at Living Proof Live. I'll let the Spirit speak to you about the message.

What matters is how I've stood on the Rock not how many times I've been knocked down. What matters is that His will is accomplished. Not mine. I'm simply to stand on the solid rock. As the three in the fiery furnace (I don't feel like spelling tonight) said--and I paraphrase--We know God can deliver us but even if He doesn't we will NOT deny Him.

Maybe, I'll share the next "lesson" I'm learning on this journey on another day. Once I can bare to admit it. Just know, last night we received great news that the clerk is going to release J's book next week, which means we can get a birth certificate. Pray that there are no errors on it. We will keep you posted. Just know that I had mixed feelings with the "good" news. Not b/c of the news. But b/c of me. Stay tuned for the rest of the story.

If I can write it.

Today's Gifts

76.  A clerk in Ha*ti ready to release the book
77.  Genuinely kind people
78.  Daughters
79.  Daughters, who after asking where a certain scripture is, remembers that its in Psalm 122
80.  Married people demonstrating it as intended in His word
81.  Fireplaces
82.  Dogs named Candy. . .
83.  Memories of childhood
84.  Underground house on a stormy night
85.  A house filled with windows on a sunny day
86.  Adoption world
87.  Teachers who get it
88.  Ethical people
89.  Being able to read
90.  My mom
91.  My dad
92.  My sister
93.  Grandparents: one of His most thoughtful gifts
94.  Redemption
95.  Salvation
96.  Grace as we need it
97.  Mercy
98.  Christian people really striving to live out Christ's commands
99.  Newly saved people wanting to figure it out
100.  Ha*tian boys with tear-stained cheeks and adults who are loving on him

Still counting my gifts. . .I'm a long way away.

64.  True friends. And, the revealing of who they are.
65.  M's kisses.
66.  L's genuineness (is that a word?)
67.  My eyesight
68.  My love, My best friend. His 43 years.
69.  For the truth of the Word.
70.  My bed.
71.  My home.
72.  A cozy couch.
73.  A sunshine day with cool breezes.
74.  My warm, cozy sweatpants.
75.  Joy that comes in the morning.

Grateful for my Father above, the giver of EVERY good & perfect gift. He loves me more than I love my own children, and that is something I can "kind of" grasp.

To & Fro

So, it's been awhile since I've added to this devotional blog. . .I'm ashamed to admit how long. It seems this journey of adoption, a new business, the old job, busy girls, and an unexpected trip to Ha*ti has left me unable to engage in the luxury of my blog. But, I'm back for the moment. . .

I have been using the book Fresh Wind, Fresh Fire by Jim Cymbala as a devotional guide. While all studies that God leads me to with His word and encouragement of those gifted in teaching kick me in the tail, this one has left me awe-inspired and dropping more to my knees than I ever have in my life. My God is like nothing we know on earth and is a superhero beyond any hero. . .and He wants me to cry out to Him. I stand amazed and humbled.

Tonight, the verse I landed on was "For the eyes of the Lord move to and fro throughout the earth that He may strongly support those whose heart is completely His." Hmmm. . .the eyes of the Lord are roaming the earth, searching. . .what is He finding? Is He finding a strong Christian nation (no, not America, His nation) passionately seeking Him or one that's passively following Him? Does He see me? Am I seeking Him with all of my heart? Am I willing to call myself a Christian first, and everything else second? No matter what that means? I'm here to stand and shout today that I want to experience MORE of the power of the Holy Spirit. I want Him to look and see the passion and "strongly support" me, to be my rock. I want to be found in Him doing His work in His time in His place.

In waiting for this little man in Ha*ti, I have learned much. More about patience than I wanted to learn. But I've most learned that I live in a country that thinks it's blessed because of it's financial means. And, yes, clean running water, food in abundance, great medical care, and a fabulous education system is a blessing. But, we are lukewarm. . .and we have lost the understanding of richness. It is in Him that we are rich. When our hearts are His, we find true peace, true richness, true contentment, true joy, true love. Satan has lured us with the "things" to distract us from the Provider of the "things". Lord, forgive me! Help me see each day what you are doing and join You in Your work, not my own.